I don't know...
I feel very very clear... clarity to this degree surly proves illusion, real life can never be so clear, but then if I really had something wrong, I wouldn't be questioning myself like this.
I don't know... I am running away tonight, not from my parents, not really from my life though it is stressing me out no end. I am running to rid myself of attachments, the hard way through loss, but also to experience real life... out in the world, not encaged in mediocrity forever. Maybe I won't like it... I don't know maybe but I have to, go. I know this I have to.
I am going to leave my hous at 5am and my parents won't know I am leaving them a letter explaining myself - I am 17 and they trust me, I am old enough to leave home so I know they won't chase after me. I hope anyway.
I need to know though, I feel so weird and spacy... like nothing else but me is solid and I am floating around in a mist world... I feel like nothing matters, that nothing can harm me, because there are things that I will do in the future, have not done yet, that must happen, so until then I must live. Not that I would jump of a clif thinking it wouldnt kill me... but I don't feel endangered going off like this. Although people can hurt me, I will not die, and neither will the flame inside me.
I don't know... evrything is doubtable. I doubt everything. How is it possible I could ever beleive something untrue if I will beleive nothing, surly then I am immune to delusion?
I felt wonderful yesterday - for a few weeks before, so very wonderfull, then today a poetic sadness washed over me, but it doesn't hurt... it just calms... bringing me lucidity instead of the restlessness I had before... and gives me a sense of disconnection from everything ...like I am just me, me alone and nothing really matters... but it is a sad nothing matters, not a joyous one.
I know I am not alone... conversation here and there, thoughts of my best freind prove this... I see her new found prolificness with envy and yet also gladness for her finding of the path. I know I am not alone, I don't feel alone... just severed... I am somewhat comfortable with it... but I don't know... strangeness.
I suppose this is just another regular teenager thing... but I thought I'd check - though probably no-one will respond until I have gone... still it'll be nice to know.
