I have had problems ever since 1999. While at work I had a severe psychotic breakdown. I don't know exactly what my diagnosis was but I think it was a mixture of bipolar mania and OCD. The thing about it is that while I was going through this breakdown at work I was in denial and just kept trying harder and harder and pushing myself and asking my boss to let me stay. I should not have done that! I needed time to get better and the fact that I didn't tell the doctors how bad I actually was they didn't give me the right medicines.
Anyway I have been in a living hell ever since. About a year after my breakdown I started to believe that the doctors at my work were able to get into my mind and caused my nervous breakdown. I believed every one could read my mind. I was so worried about people being able to read my mind that I would actually stop my thought midthought and repress it so much that it has caused a lot of damage. My thought process is almost ruined.
Then I have a problem with "the man" -- you know the guys in suits that seem Hitlerish. I feel like they are tormening me 24 hours a day. The only relief I have is when I sleep. I have these beliefs even though I know they cannot possibly be true, like "the man" controlling me and doctors causing my nervous breakdown.
I have constant anxiety coursing through me every day and severe mood swings because I play games in my own head with these people, games like trying to suppress my thoughts because I feel these invisible enemies of mine can hear them and that they are trying to control me with their negative voices. And I feel scared because as I mentioned earlier the "Hitler types" which I encountered at work are playing games with me in my head. I don't actually see these people every day anymore but I feel their presence still. I would just love to be able to be relaxed in my own mind and think my own thoughts and be who I really am without them controlling me or making me feel anxious, upset, and scared.
Sometimes I think if I would have never gotten that job I wouldn't be in this position. My daughter would be a lot better off instead of seeing me spiraling down in this. But I wanted to keep a job (I'm on disability now, though still working part-time).
I guess if I can give any advice it is this -- if you become mentally ill while at work you need to take care of it right away because that is when the medication is most effective (you might not need medication like I did) If you wait like me you're more resistant to it. I think what a lot of people do is if they become mentally ill due to work they keep trying or deny the seriousness of it (that's what I did and it ruined my life). Also take time to recover before going back. I know it's hard when you need the income and for god's sakes don't stay in a job that is not right for you like I did! I think if I would have gotten help right away, quit my job, recovered, and tried at a different job I wouldn't have ruined my life.
