I recently was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I am 21 years old and very confused. I read an incredibly helpful book, 'An Unquiet Mind' by Kay Redfield Jamison. My experiences were much alike, but much different. When I began showing symptoms I had not ever sought therapy, like so many other people, i did not mind the extra energy and stamina. I mean I was only 16 and I was young, i am suppose to be energetic. Right? Well that statement is true, but there is a point of no return, shall i say. When I was extremley manic i would be very wacky, fun, and just plain cooky. I thought I was eccentric and so did my friends. I would party all night and sleep all day. I started smoking pot and continued to do a variety of drugs up until a few months ago. I foud out really quick that some street drugs had odd effects on me and cause adverse reactions. Now I know why. Not only was I always busy doing something or another, my boyfriend at the time received the brunt of my aggressive behavior. I dont know if you can picture this but I am 5'7 and 150lbs, and my ex is 6'1 200lbs and very well built, and before everything was all said and done between us I had attacked him on numerous occasions, struck him, shoved him, slapped him, and said such evil things that I have blocked most of it out. At the time I was unsure of why I had done these things and wished I could control my temper, but now I know that the reason i could not control my temper, is because it was not my temper, but my moods that were in need of controlling. I was depressed for a long time after high school, and i moved to a different state. (The ex came with me ) I could not get out of bed i felt i was on the brink of crying every second of everyday. This was coming from the girl who couldn't sit still and always had to be the center of attention. I went and saw a doctor aty that time. He,of course never saw the manic Jenny, but he got a mouthful from the depressed Jenny. So like most doctors do today, he set me up on antidepressants and I got better, slightly, for a while at least. His belief was that my depression was caused by my relationship with my ex. Well, not really, you see i had done and said so many spiteful things to him that i began to believe that they were true and our relationship was headed for a explosive ending.


It is hard to imagine a young woman that will get up in someone's face, yell, scream, cuss like a sailor, and get violent. Well, that was finally the last string for my new doctor, back in my hometown. I recently got physical with my younger sister and havent talked to her since. My doctor put two and two together and started asking me about other things. Questions about promiscuity, shopping history, sleeping habits, and my breathing rate. I happen to have comments on each of the categories above, and was really thrown off by the breathing heavy question. I guess I had just never paid attention to my breathing rate, but it was elevated slightly, and so was my pulse and heartrate.


Now i know why i have done somethings in my past. I now know what caused me do do certain things without regard for my overall safety or that of others. I cant make excuses thought, or rather I wont. This illness caused me to loose too many things in my life already. Times and people that i hurt, and that will never understand that I had virtually no say over my moods and emotions. The one person that bore the grunt of my slide into this life, my ex boyfriend, i have lost forever. He is still the only man to ever love me and vise versa, he lost 4 1/2 years of his life on me.


Now i am on meds I know things will get better, i just hope that the day I start to feel normal comes soon, and I hope that I can beat this, afterall i have a headstart. I caught it young, but i have yet to figure out if that is a good thing or not. Jennifer